Building A Coping Skill Toolbox

Part of doing good work in therapy often involves developing a set of coping skills or strategies to deal with life stressors outside of the office. Our RI therapists can help clients identify the things that are bothering them and then explore the various ways that they can deal with the stress of these issues by using coping skills. It can be helpful to think of building yourself a coping skill toolbox, filled with various skills and activities that you can pull out and use when dealing with stressful situations. Different situations may require different coping skills.

Coping skills are intentional steps taken to minimize the negative impact and stress of difficult events and situations. The ability to better manage stress helps people feel and perform better, emotionally and physically. 

Coping skills can come in both positive and negative forms and it is important to be mindful of the best way to cope with each stressful situation. Try to avoid negative coping whenever possible. Examples of negative coping skills are avoidance and denial behaviors like drinking/smoking, procrastination, over or undereating, overspending, and oversleeping. Negative coping strategies might even be done subconsciously and they often feel like they provide immediate relief, but this effect does not last long term and can often exacerbate the original stressor. When facing stress, it is usually better to identify which healthy and positive coping approaches to take based on the presenting situation. 

In the early 80s, researchers Richard Lazarus and Susan Folkman identified two main categories of coping: problem-focused coping and emotion-focused coping. 

Problem-focused coping is useful to get to the root of a problem and when a situation needs to be addressed and changed. This type of coping is aimed at reducing, resolving, or eliminating the stressor. However, this approach is only really effective if the situation causing stress is changeable. Here are some tools that are considered problem-focused coping:

  • Seeking information or assistance to handle the situation - sometimes calling in help or finding out more can be another step closer to the end of the stressful situation

  • Evaluating pros and cons of the situation - making a pro/con list can create clarity on paper about steps to take to manage the stressor

  • Learning new skills to manage the situation - this can be a way to become empowered with additional methods of handling things

  • Talking to someone that has a direct impact on the situation - getting another person involved that can truly help may be enough to change what’s going on

  • Creating a to-do list - this creates a plan and action items for how to approach the situation

  • Engaging in problem-solving - listing out the various outcomes of possible ways to approach the situation can create a feeling of mastery over the stressor

  • Establishing healthy boundaries - good clear boundaries let you know when to start and stop dealing with the situation and where your personal limits lie

  • Walking away and leave a situation that is causing you stress - know when it’s ok to end things or say no

  • Working on time management strategies - gaining better control over the time you’re working through the stressful situation will reduce anxiety

For example, someone who is stressed about planning a large party may find it helpful to engage in problem-focused coping. They have control over the event they are planning, so it is considered “changeable”. They might consider making a to-do list, hiring a helper, and making a daily schedule for handling the tasks. On the other hand, someone who is stressed about an upcoming unavoidable medical procedure might not benefit from these concrete coping skills, as the event is not able to be changed.

Hand creating a check list in a journal with grid paper

Emotion-focused coping is useful to manage emotions and feelings related to a stressor or problem that cannot be changed. This approach is intended to reduce the negative impact of the situation on the person and creates a less reactive response to the stressor. Sometimes, this is the only realistic coping approach when a situation is out of someone’s control or cannot be changed. Here are some tools from our RI therapists that are considered emotion-focused coping:

  • Journaling - listing, open writing, bullet points, and other written expression tools are helpful to help people get out of their heads and release thoughts and feelings on paper

  • Meditation - meditation practices are known to improve feelings of peace and calm

  • Positive affirmations - talking positively to yourself during stressful situations can help build your resolve and commitment to getting through it with a good attitude 

  • Humor  - finding funny elements and bringing laughter into the situation can help minimize the negativity of the stressor

  • Emotional disclosure - sharing and/or venting with others can release some of the pent up tension and negative feelings about the situation

  • Cognitive reframing/meaning making- take a step back and find a few different ways to look at the situation and try to figure out how this situation fits into the “bigger picture” of life

  • Expressive arts (music, drawing, pottery) - making time for creative expression can be a enjoyable way to distract and release emotional stress

  • Physical activity (yoga, walking, swimming) - moving your body can release muscle tension caused by stress and provide meditative time to think and process emotions while engaged in activity

  • Distraction - make a list of fun and mindful engagement activities to do as a way to take a break from the stressor

  • Grounding activities - practice self soothing your fives senses (taste, touch, sight, smell, hearing)

Using the same examples as earlier, someone might decide that they will go forth with the party as it cannot be changed, but that they need to do some work on reducing their emotional reactivity to party planning. As they go through the party planning states, they could make sure they are making time for regular physical activity to reduce their stress. Engaging in cognitive reframing, they could remind themselves that planning a party is stressful but it’s a great chance to see friends, to have good food, and to network. Emotional focused coping might be the preferable way to deal with things like an upcoming unavoidable medical procedure, as it cannot be changed. Instead, the person’s emotions about their medical condition should be directly processed and dealt with in order to reduce the stress.

Woman meditating facing a all with mountain print wallpaper

Here’s some ideas of some of our favorite things to include in your coping skill toolbox, including elements of emotion and problem focused coping! Your toolbox can just be a list of things - or you can get creative and make an actual box with a written list of coping ideas and some tangible items.

  1. Grounding activities - sooth your five senses by identifying something calming to touch, see, hear, taste, and smell

  2. Distraction - take your mind off your problem by engaging in a mindful activity such as reading, coloring, crossword puzzles, gardening, music, movies, etc

  3. Affirmations - download a positive affirmation app or make a list of uplifting statements you can repeat to yourself during stressful times

  4. Mindfulness skills - grounding stones, yoga mat, breathing exercises, guided meditation recordings

  5. List of social supports to call - friends, crisis hotline, support group

  6. Journal & markers - have this ready if you feel the call to write about your feelings or you need to make a to-do or pro/con list

  7. Feelings wheel or list of emotions (you can find this on google) - print this out or save a photo on your phone to help identify emotions that you’re working through

Whether you choose to make an actual box of coping tools or you have a digital list, keep your toolbox close by and sort through your coping options when going through difficult times. Together, therapy and coping skills make a wonderful combination to handle whatever life throws your way:)

Marisa Etting