Setting Boundaries During The Holiday Season
Why are boundaries important?
We have all heard about setting boundaries in romantic relationships, but what about with family members? It might seem daunting, but setting boundaries with family members - especially around the holidays - is extremely important for everyone’s wellbeing. While it might be an awkward and somewhat tense conversation, setting clear and reasonable boundaries can make relationships healthier in the long run. Boundaries help maintain a healthy balance in relationships and provide a sense of physical and emotional safety. They can decrease conflict and misunderstandings - which are much more prevalent during family gatherings and high-stress times like the upcoming holiday season. Taking care to set boundaries is also a great form of self-care. They make sure that we are setting limits where they are needed and can enjoy our time with family rather than sacrificing our needs. And they can create better trust, respect, and connection between family members. Boundaries show people how you want to be treated - sometimes this needs to be very clearly communicated because not everyone has the same boundaries. Opening up a conversation about needs and expectations will also likely make the other person feel more comfortable expressing their boundaries as well, which can further improve the relationship. This will prevent you from being mistreated in the future or being taken advantage of, especially during the busy and stressful times of the holidays. Setting boundaries with family members who are asking for more time, attention, or commitment than you can or feel comfortable giving will make it possible for you to enjoy the holidays and get the rest you deserve without the added stress of making it to every single family gathering, getting gifts that are outside of your budget, or hosting a party when you don’t have the space or energy for it. Remember, the holiday season can be stressful, but it should also be a time of rest, rejuvenation, and spending time with the people who mean the most to your life. Setting healthy boundaries during the holidays will ensure that you enjoy the time with family and friends, and will allow you to take care of yourself as well.
“Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you don’t care about others; boundaries demonstrate that you care about others and you care about yourself (S. Martin, 2021)”
When is it time to set boundaries?
But, how do we know when it is time to set a boundary with a certain family member or friend? Usually, it is a good sign that it is time to set boundaries if you have been feeling disrespected or uncomfortable for a while, and notice that it is negatively impacting your life or your mental health. You might notice feelings of resentment, exhaustion, unfulfillment, or being overwhelmed if you are spending too much time, energy, or money on other people and not prioritizing yourself. If you feel suffocated by certain people or expectations and are unable to express your wants and needs without worrying about how others will react - it might be time to think about what boundaries need to be put in place.
“...we sacrifice our right to safety, respect, individuation, and the freedom to be ourselves, which essentially tells others that their needs are more important than ours and they can mistreat us to get what they want (Dr. S. Martin, 2021)”
How do I set boundaries?
It can be intimidating to set boundaries, especially if we have never really had to do it before. And everyone is different with what kinds of boundaries they need, and who they need to set them with. So, where do we start? First, before having conversations with anyone, it is important to define your boundaries and conclude which ones are non-negotiable and which can have some flexibility. Normally, boundaries should be set in stone. But, the holidays are a crazy time and it is ok to make a few exceptions, as long as you are comfortable with it. Figure out what is most important to you to decrease stress during the holiday season. Who do you want to spend time with? How will you take care of yourself? How much will you spend? Who makes it difficult to achieve these things? Talking to a therapist could also be helpful if you find yourself struggling to define your boundaries - they could point out where your needs are not being met and give suggestions on how to approach a boundaries-setting conversation. Next, it can be helpful to write down what you are going to say, as this will make it easier to stay on track during the conversation and make you more confident in what you are saying. It is also important to be direct. Explicitly state to the person what is and what is not ok so that there is no gray area or confusion. Clearly explain how their behavior is negatively affecting you, and know that you may need to restate your boundaries with someone multiple times before they finally get it. It might be necessary to have this conversation with the same person multiple times - however, if you have been as clear as possible about what you need and they still refuse to respect you - it is OK to walk away. It might be difficult, but if the situation is toxic and continues to negatively affect your life - there is nothing wrong with putting space between you and the person. Both people should be well rested, sober, and not distracted by other things in the environment like TV or other conversations. There may never be a “perfect” time but try to have this conversation when both of you are focused and thinking clearly.
Some examples of boundaries:
Staying on your budget
Saying no to going to a family event or party
Leaving early or arriving late
Asking family members to not talk about politics
Asking for space
Telling someone when what they are talking about makes you uncomfortable
Not allowing your schedule to be disrupted
Not spending a lot of money on a trip or present for someone if it is not in your budget.
References
Daino, L.-R. J. E. (2022, February 4). How to set family boundaries: A therapist’s guide — talkspace. Talkspace. https://www.talkspace.com/blog/family-boundaries/
Line, C. T. (2023, December 6). How to set healthy boundaries for the holidays. Crisis Text Line. https://www.crisistextline.org/blog/2023/12/06/how-to-set-healthy-boundaries-for-the-holidays/
Martin, Dr. S. (2021, May 1). How to set boundaries with kindness. The Better Boundaries Workbook. https://betterboundariesworkbook.com/how-to-set-boundaries-with-kindness/
Martin, S. (2021, December 16). Healthy holiday boundaries. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conquering-codependency/202112/healthy-holiday-boundaries